From my earliest memories of attending mass as a child, my favorite part of the service was when the priest would say, “Peace be with you,” and the congregation would say, “And also with you.” Next, we would be instructed to offer peace to one another and even though it made me nervous to talk to people I did not know, I liked people gently shaking my hand and telling me, “Peace be with you.” In turn, I enjoyed the opportunity to extend peace to them. Therefore, I took the salutation seriously and every time I said it, I focused, did my best to really mean it, and replied, “Peace be with you.” At the conclusion of this ritual, I felt peaceful.
Fast forward to today. We have smartphones with apps for almost everything. It all begins with an app for the app store. Type “peace” in the search bar and you will find apps for breathing, meditation, soothing sounds to sleep by, peaceful alarms to be awakened by, even peaceful pregnancy: easy birth. Do not get me wrong, I am in full support of these apps and whatever tools we have available to us (especially if they are free) that deliver tranquility and help us increase our peace. However, when I search for an app on peaceful parenting, all I find is more on pregnancy, breast feeding, baby milestones, meaningful playtime with your baby, how to navigate/calendar for co-parenting, and a debit card for kids. What does that tell me? That parenting peacefully can be complex and cannot be reduced to a formula.
According to my dictionary.com app, peace can be defined as – freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, and obsession. A state of tranquility, serenity. May he rest in peace. Hopefully, none of us have to wait until we are dead to be at peace, but in order to be peaceful to our partners and our children, we must first have our own peace to share with them. In this highly scheduled, fast-paced, time and energy demanding 21st century life, how do we experience peace? I have an answer. It is not the only answer, but I believe it can be a series of steps that begin with actively looking for peace. Some people experience peace through their faith, but that is not true of all people of faith. I have known people of all ages throughout my life whose religious beliefs have ironically caused them stress and angst. So, this is not a call to a religion of any kind. This is an invitation. It is a set of simple suggestions for you to begin some practices that may bring you peace as a person, as a partner, and as a parent.
● Set the intention in your mind to welcome peace.
● Give yourself 10 – 15 minutes in the morning to be still (even if you have to hide in your closet to do so).
● Take 10 deep breaths, six seconds in and six seconds out.
● If it is difficult to quiet your mind, get an app that can help you.
● Think of three things in your life to be grateful for (the good news is we all have way more than three).
● When you emerge from your quiet space, take a moment to acknowledge how good you were to yourself.
● As you interact with the people in your family, remain calm. Breathing can continue to help you with this throughout your day.
● Remind yourself how important your partner and children are to you.
● Do your best to stay in an attitude of gratitude.
● Smile.
● Pay attention to your tone of voice and your volume. (Please note: Some families are just loud and that is not a problem for them. For these families, loud is not equal to yelling.)
● When your partner and your children are talking to you, do your best to listen and understand their point of view.
● When your children make mistakes, do not look to blame them for being human and punishing them. See it as an opportunity to teach them so they can grow. (This is not to say that there should not be logical consequences, however, that is for another article.)
● Ultimately, when your child disappoints you, messes up, or just blows it, do your best to remember your own humanity and how you have been less than perfect.
● Lastly, reset the intention in your mind to pursue peace and begin again. (That is right, this cycle never ends, but it does get easier the more you make it a way of life.)
Dear parent, I want to remind you that nobody does this parenting thing perfectly, no matter how badly we want to. What we can do is take responsibility for our actions, apologize when we are wrong, reassure our children about how much we love them, and commit to learning from our mistakes. This is how we can give peace to ourselves, our partners, our precious children, and allow peace to fill our homes. Peace be with you…and your children.
