Desert Marriage and Family Counseling (DMFC), located in Palm Desert, helps couples and families improve and build stronger relationships with themselves and each other. They believe that emotionally healthy individuals and families make our community stronger.
As licensed and pre-licensed psychotherapists, DMFC consists of marriage and family therapists and licensed professional clinical counselors. Led by Kelly Lewallen, MFT, CEDS, the practice treats all emotional and mental health issues. They work extensively with families to improve parenting and parental relationships, for better outcomes for children.
Through the course of their work, they see recurring themes and challenges common to many families. DMFC is pleased to offer the following compilation of essays by their practitioners for Coachella Valley Kids readers.
Toddler (18months- 4 years) Sleep Routines
By: Kasey Rissman (mom of 2 toddlers), PCCA # 12502
We all know toddlers need lots of sleep and so do moms and dads. Establishing a healthy sleep routine for the family is essential. Here are a few tools to help implement a healthy routine. It’s important to set a time between 7-8:30pm, (preferably closer to 7pm), when the toddler will go to bed every night. Please provide “no screen time” before bed. Instead you and your toddler can read books or play interactive age appropriate games (charades, eye spy). Toddlers do not necessarily want limits and boundaries; realistically they want what they want when they want it. It’s our job to set these limits and boundaries to ensure the toddler thrives. Toddlers will push your limit at night to stay up later because they are either bored or afraid. Passive words like “do you think it’s time for bed” can make the child believe they have choice in the matter. Instead, try being direct “bedtime is at 7pm, I love you and good night.” Parents need to be realistic; I like the 80-20 rule with my toddlers. As long as 80% of the time, my toddler is following our routine, I know he will continue to sleep from 7pm to 6:30am.
Over Scheduling Children Under 12
By: Kelly Lewallen, LMFT #37832
I find parents and families to be over scheduled these days! In trying to have so many experiences, many young families are missing out on enjoying the simple things in life. Children are coming into my office presenting as anxious and/or defiant, when in fact they are just overtired and overstimulated. Below is an example of what a typical initial interview in my office might look like:
Mom: “My child is just really acting out! She is irritable and when it’s time to go to her ballet lesson, she just flops on the floor. I think something is wrong with her and I just want you to check it out and make sure she’s okay”.
Me: “So what other activities is your daughter involved in and how frequent are they?”
Mom: “Well she has preschool from 10 to 1 every day, then comes home for her nap. On Monday and Wednesday nights we have ballet from four until six. Then she has soccer games on Saturday along with soccer practice Thursday night and Friday night. Her brothers have practice on Monday and Wednesday evenings so after ballet we go to their practice from 6 to 8. Friday is our play date day where after preschool we meet other kids at the park. Sunday is family day and we have church and Bible study in the morning, and then we meet up at a friend’s house and we hang out with other families the rest of the day.”
Me: “And how old is she again?”
Mom: “4”
Sounds exhausting! I would be rolling on the floor rebelling against ballet too! A common mistake I see parents make is keeping their kids way too busy. Often times, one of my favorite therapeutic interventions for young families is to just stop! Just “stop and drop”! What I mean by “stop and drop” is to drop some of the scheduled activities and just stay home and play Candyland, make cookies together, play in the backyard and just slow down! Sometimes children present with symptoms of anxiety or defiance and the cause often is that they’re just plain tired and over scheduled.
When our children are young, it can be a time to just be together as a family and connect. Certainly, as kids get older, we want to keep them engaged in activities, to keep them out of trouble and to help them find their gifts. But I strongly recommend parents slow down. Just as we think of one minute for every year when we use timeout, think one activity for each child. If your tike is in preschool, that’s already stimulating for them. It’s hard work! Adding just one activity to that, is more than enough.
I think the most important activity we can do with young children is to just play with them at home and help them participate in age-appropriate chores. An example is setting the table while mom or dad makes dinner or filling the dog dish with water. Activities in the home can be rich with lessons, as well as psycho-motor and cognitive challenges for children.
Teen Cold Shoulder
By: Jessica Lazos, AMFT #107155
One of our biggest challenges with teenagers today is the “teen cold shoulder.” Dinner time comes around and they don’t want to talk about their day, or much else. Inquiries into their lives are often met with one syllable responses, (yes, no, okay, fine, etc.) Here are two ways to possibly reduce the “teen cold shoulder.” Parents can ask open ended questions to help facilitate conversation. Questions that begin with “what, when, why, and how.” For example, “What are you studying in English class?” The goal is to help initiate conversation. Parents can also help make the teen feel included by assigning cooking duties once a week. For example, assigning “taco night” to your son or daughter is a healthy way to build responsibilities, feel accomplished, and open the space for communication and connection.
Advice to Parents of Teens
By: Chantia Justice, AMFT #111034
In my conversations with teenagers, I often hear that it is difficult for them to talk to their parents. I am sure this comes as no surprise to those of you who are parents to a teenager! One piece of advice I’d like to share about talking with your teen is to allow them to feel their feelings. It can be instinctual to want to usher your child out of difficult feelings or situations by putting on the “fix it” hat and coming up with solutions. After all, caring parents do not enjoy seeing their children struggle. While it can be helpful to help your teen to come up with solutions to the problems they face, it is equally important to first validate their feelings. By validating their feelings before coming up with solutions, teens are more likely to feel heard and may be more open to hearing your guidance. Try reflective listening and modeling at home what it looks like to talk about feelings in a healthy way.
For more information on reflective listening, see the Couples Intensive Therapy on our website: https://desertmarriagefamily.com/about-us/videos/
Desert Marriage and Family Counseling can be reached at (760) 777-7720; or email Emily at emilyp@dmfcinc.com.
