By now, you and your children are in the throws of summer fun, which can mean a lot of different things for many families. It depends on several factors: Do you have the summer off with your children? Do you have access to a pool? Are you going on an extended family vacation? Is a road trip an option? Or is it part of the plan to do fun things locally, like going to the movies or maybe a favorite place to eat? Regardless of your itinerary, one thing is certain, summer vacation months give us extra time with our children and an even greater opportunity to enjoy them.
However, far too many parents stop enjoying the additional time with their kids and cannot wait for school to start. Over the years, I have heard countless stories from parents about why they are so happy school is starting and how eager they are for summer to be over. The common thread comes down to one thing: sibling warfare. The all too common phenomenon of constant teasing, arguing, and fighting is enough to make parents want to seek refuge from their own offspring. Parents are bombarded with exclamations like, “Mom, he’s looking at me!” and “Mom, he took my______!” and “Mom, she won’t leave us alone!” Refereeing children can be exhausting!
Too often, out of our own fatigue, we resort to the path of least resistance and we inadvertently say and do things that do not help the situation (in the long run). Our strategies and solutions simply serve as a quick fix. We yell back, “Stop looking at her!” or “Give back the ____!” or “I don’t care what he/she did, you’re older, so you know better than your little brother/sister!”
Even worse, there are times when, in an effort to reestablish order, we make threats that our kids know we will never follow through with and that destroys our credibility with our children. (This is critical and can lead to much bigger and deeper problems in the long run because trust and credibility are closely linked.) Ultimately, those flawed strategies keep our children and us from enjoying each other.
So, what is a parent to do? We are to see this as a teaching/learning experience and help our children develop the kind of character that makes them stellar human beings who will one day, maybe tomorrow, make the world a better place.
Stop what you are doing. Get up from where you are and go to the children.
Give each child a chance to talk, uninterrupted (by the sibling OR the parent).
Allow your children multiple opportunities to get the whole truth out. Our job is to stay calm and listen (not yell, accuse, or blame).
Never take the side of the baby, simply because of their age. Babies are great little manipulators and often the instigators.
Be fair. (I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.)
Help them do what is in the best interest of the aggrieved child.
Be fair. (It is worth listing twice.)
Be strong.
Be loving.
Remember, loving our children is easy, but it is not enough. We must also like them. It requires that we put in the work to teach them life lessons that will lead them to becoming the true and wonderful selves that they have been created to be. Then we will discover that we truly love and like our children.
