When my children were little, before they could talk, I would tell others that I could not wait until they would be able to speak. Often people made remarks that let me know that in their estimation, I was greatly mistaken. They informed me that once my children would start talking I would want them to “shut up.” These were educated people, who were themselves parents and even grandparents. I am happy to report that they were wrong. The moment my children began to speak, I was thrilled and I have remained elated for all these years by virtue of our communication increasing and improving.
Today, I am grateful to report that even though my children are in their early twenties, we still enjoy talking together. My husband and I love talking to our kids and it appears that they reciprocate the feeling since they often initiate texts and phone calls (when they are away at school). In addition, when they are with us, we engage in everything from quoting our favorite sitcoms to deep and meaningful conversations about politics, science, spirituality, and matters of the heart.
I do not want to paint a one-sided, idealized picture of the interactions we have with our children. The truth be told, there have been and still are times our expressions toward each other have been strained, tense, angry, and altogether difficult, but that is a phenomenon of authentic relationships. Here are some things my husband and I did (and still do) that I believe forged a pathway for talking and has kept the conversation going with our two children for over two decades.
• Laugh together. Never make your children the butt of the joke. Never laugh at their expense. Model for them the ability to laugh at yourself, to not take yourself seriously, and therefore free our children up to do the same. This will allow them to more frequently tell us about their goofs, mess ups, and mistakes.
• When children want to tell us something, begin the conversation by giving them some choices before they divulge what is on their mind. Ask them to tell you what they need, i.e. do they want you to simply listen (and not say a word during or after), do they want to be given advice, or do they want help in order to solve a problem.
• As conflicts occur, work hard to work through them, get to the other side as quickly as possible and immediately re-establish the relationship. This builds a profound sense of security and deep strength in our relationships with our children. It is also crucial in preventing feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety.
• Our kids may express their anger when they are talking to us. It is imperative that we teach them how to express their anger and stay respectful as they convey their own irritation, frustration, and anger (which they have a right to). This means we need to let them practice.
• Our children make mistakes, fall short, defy us, (let us remember our own humanity). We must do our best to not ascribe blame, but to frame these events as teaching moments because we are all learning. We are growing to be the people we were created to be. By eliminating blame, we can help our children minimize shame and self-condemning guilt and therefore, be more whole.
