Angela is about to leave for work. She is leaving her young child, Riley, with a trusted caregiver, but she braces herself as she kisses her cherished little one and says goodbye. As expected, Riley screams and reaches for her. Holding Riley, the caregiver says “Bye bye, Mommy” in a cheerful voice. Angela’s heart is breaking, but she smiles and says, “I love you, Riley! I’ll come back after lunch!” She waves and bravely walks out of the room while Riley cries and the caregiver whispers soothing words. The meaning behind Riley’s cries is clear – “Mommy! Come back! I need you!”
Separation anxiety is normal and healthy.
Not every baby or young child deals with significant separation anxiety, but it is normal and typically starts at about 8-10 months of age when babies start to understand that mom or dad still exists even after they leave. A baby’s very survival depends on the presence of someone who loves them, whether that is mom, dad, a grandparent, or someone else. It is normal for babies and young children to be anxious or fearful when the adults they love and depend on go away. These feelings usually pass fairly quickly. A few minutes after leaving, Angela still has tears in her eyes but Riley is happy and engaged in play. Being soothed by a loving caregiver will help Riley learn how to deal with stress in a healthy way. Later, Angela’s return from work will reinforce Riley’s trust in her.
Always say goodbye.
Understandably, many parents want to avoid tearful goodbyes. Sneaking out while a child is engaged in play can seem like a tempting alternative, but it is never a good idea. Babies and young children need to trust that their parents will take care of them. When a parent disappears without a goodbye, the child has no way of knowing when or if their parent will return. Sneaking away without saying goodbye will undermine your baby or child’s ability to trust. On the other hand, lingering too long can also make separation anxiety worse. Help your child get involved with play, say goodbye, and leave. Making goodbyes short and sweet will reduce the anxiety of waiting for a “bad” thing to happen.
Return when you say you will.
Babies and young children live in the moment and do not understand time in the same way as adults. Being left for minutes or hours may feel like the same thing to a baby. Riley knows that mom is leaving, but has no concept of when she will return. If mom says, “I’ll come back at 4:00,” or “I’ll be back in 3 hours,” a baby has no way to understand what that means. Young children can, however, understand the sequence of events in a day. Help young children by telling them what to expect throughout the day. Say, “You are going to have a snack, then play, then eat lunch, take a nap, and play some more, then I will come get you.” Consider creating a timeline of the day with pictures of the day’s events – a “visual schedule” to help your child keep track of passing time.
