Bullying is all the rage. There is no longer a distinction in behaviors between rude, disrespectful, being mean, and bullying. Every bad behavior, no matter how small, is crowned with the title of bullying. A boy tells a kid to “Shut up!” No longer is that disrespectful, that is bullying. A girl calls another student “ugly.” That is not being mean, that is bullying. Two children laugh at another child because he got a different haircut. That is not chalked up to rudeness, no, it is called bullying. So, what is bullying?
The U.S. Department of Education says all definitions of bullying need to include four main concepts:
- It must be intentional, and in large part unprovoked, and must intend to do harm.
- It can be physical or verbal, and direct or indirect.
- It involves an imbalance of physical and/or psychological power.
- It involves repeated negative actions.
However, here is the real problem. It is not that all bad behaviors are being called bullying. It is not even that bullying occurs. There is a much bigger problem than that. Bullies must be orphans. That is right. You heard it here. Bullies are without parents to teach them right from wrong, because when parents are contacted by school officials about their child’s “bullying” behaviors, (often times, behaviors which the child has already admitted) the most common response from parents is, “I know my child better than anyone and they would never………..!” Feel free to fill in the blank. From that initial statement of flat out denial, what follows is almost unbelievable. Parents have a litany of demands. They want to know what the other child did, who started it, how the school official(s) know that the other child is not lying, what the school official saw/heard for themselves, how thorough the investigation was completed, what is going to happen to the other child, etc. It is exhausting. Plus, no energy is being spent on how to help their own child.
At the heart of the issue is this: the vast majority of parents cannot tolerate the thought that they are raising a bully. If parents believed school officials about what they reported that their child had done, then it would mean that parents would have to not just look at their child through rose-colored glasses, but through the lenses of reality. Parents would be forced to acknowledge that their children were not one-dimensional reflections of who the parent wants them to be. Parents need to know who their children are and accept that they are complex beings who think independently when they are not in the presence of their parents and they are not limited to just mirroring who the parent wants them to be. In fact, the ability to see children for who they truly are at this moment of time and remove themselves from the scenario takes strength. Additionally, and perhaps even more excruciating, is that admitting to and taking ownership of their child’s bullying behavior would force them to look at themselves and see where they have been lacking as a parent. Maybe they would then see themselves as “bad” parents and they cannot tolerate that possibility, much less the implications.
Throughout my career in education, I have dealt with countless incidents where children are being bullied in the truest definition of the word. As an educator, I have spent hours on end and vast amounts of time and energy in an effort to help students, both identified as victims and bullies, replace their inappropriate behaviors with appropriate ones. For instance, when working with the victims, I focus on their worth as human beings, how to establish boundaries, stand up for themselves, be assertive, find their voice, and to remember that getting help when you are being hurt is not the same as tattling or snitching. When counseling with the bullies, I draw out their empathy and use it to create a foundation for character. We identify what the child’s motivation is for bullying, i.e. does it make them feel good, do they think they are funny, do they feel powerful. I teach that there is strength in kindness, and that one’s self-concept can significantly improve when one treats others with respect. We discuss reputation and consequences both short-term and long-term.
I recently downloaded an app that the U.S. Department of Education has on a document called KnowBullying by SAMHSA, visit: http://store.samhsa.gov/apps/bullying. It was a nice little app that guides parents on how to find out if their child is being bullied. Very good. I am all for educating parents. Then it hit me, like I could have had a V8 juice. As I looked through my literature that I have acquired over the years on this subject, the websites that are available, helplines, and now apps, I realized, the majority that is being produced is for parents and children who are victims. That means that many of the experts and contributors are complicit in our denial as a society, reinforcing the notion that bullies are orphans. Granted, I have bought some books and attended some conferences on “Mean Girls,” the different roles children assume in a bullying situation, and how bullying affects school attendance. But I do not remember being given resources on how to support the parent of the bully. So, I did a google search and I typed in the words, “My child is a” and the top five things that came up were: target for bullying, perfectionist, loner, control freak, and hoarder. Then, I made my search more specific. I typed, “My child is a bu” and here is what the top five topics were: burden, bulimic, burping a lot, but a stranger in this world, becoming a bully. I am glad it was there, but look how it has to be softened. I found a resource that I thought was very helpful, Child/Mind Institute.
This article is not going to list ten tips that will make your child stop bullying. However, I would like to give you some friendly advice. When a friend, family member, parent of another child, day care provider, or school official tells you about something, anything that your child did that you do not want to hear, do not excuse, defend, justify, deny, or ignore what is difficult to hear. Listen. Do your very best to listen without being defensive. Do your very best to see this as a learning experience for your child and you. Do your very best to correct behavior in a firm, but loving way, when the consequences are small and lessons can be learned early in life. Do your very best to see your children for who they really are. You do that by being intentional and opening yourself to see them through not just your eyes of adoration, but who they are telling you they are. This is achieved by spending time together, watching them, listening to what they are saying (and not saying), and still continuing to be their refuge, because bullies are not orphans. They are our precious children who need and want our guidance, help, support, and love.
